Twerking up until now was only used as a mating call. Perfected by Instagram models, this is the go-to technique to lure in professional athletes, and then eventually ruin their lives. To me, twerking has always had a negative vibe. It is the calling card for women who pump slime or fat or fillers into their rear. I want to pay homage to the original ladies with nice asses. You know who you are, my compliments.

There is a massive difference between a real ass and a fake ass. These Instagram models and I use the term ”models” loosely; all have those filled to the brim asses with whatever disgustingness the doctors pump in for that procedure. I am an expert at identifying fake asses. I mean, the obvious full diaper look is a blatant fake ass.

But let’s take it a step further. The real way to spot a fake ass is by looking at the legs. Regular ladies who have big/nice asses have legs that lead into the ass. These frauds have the taffy apple look. In this case, their big fake ass looks like a taffy apple, and their legs look like the stick. I don’t need to name names, but it’s very easy to see these skinny-legged celebrities that lead into an unkept bag of s#%t.

Up until now, twerking has had nothing but negative connotations. I am here today to set twerking free. Yes, twerking has a practical purpose. I found out the actual purpose of twerking when I was in the bathroom recently. I had just had a bunch of pizza the night before (including the second feasting at 3AM) and was feeling like a caked up lotion dispenser.

I was texting, checking social media, and even watched the Christian the lion video on YouTube (if you haven’t seen it, get ready to tear up). Nothing was happening. I started to get up, and I ran across a random moron twerking on Instagram. A light bulb went off in my head. I also thought of the classic Lin Shaye scene from the movie Kingpin when she said… ”you really jarred something loose, tiger!

So I stood up against the door and started jumping. I began to feel some relief before I knew it, I was twerking. After about fifteen seconds, I was back sitting down. The twerking worked like a charm. Before you judge someone on Instagram, who seems like a complete dunce twerking, remember, they might have had BBQ last night.


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