IF SAUCE IS SUPPOSED TO BE COLD, KEEP IT COLD!

I love wings, but without blue cheese, they aren’t worth the calories and eventual food coma. To me, the blue cheese is just as important as the wings. Piping hot wings and cold blue cheese make for the perfect combination. Any misstep in this perfect taste unification ruins what could be a meal that is the highlight of your eating week.

It’s always the little things that ruin a company or corporation. The small things are what make customers not return to the restaurant. Ask yourself this question. Would you put an ice cream bar in the same bag as scolding hot fries and burgers? Of course, the ice cream should be in a unique container. So why do wing restaurants throw the delicious blue cheese in the same steaming hot bag that contains the wings?

The worst offenders are the restaurants that take it a step further and put the blue cheese container directly on top of the wings. This lapse of judgment is a travesty. Your blue cheese doesn’t have a chance to stay cold. This blunder is like dropping an ice cube on an open flame. GAME OVER!

If you are a wing restaurant that puts the sauce in a separate bag with the napkins and utensils, my compliments. If you, on the other hand, are one of these disrespectful blue cheese murderers, wise up. Stop ruining your product before your customers have a chance to try it. This article is your wake up call. You’ve officially hit rock bottom and its time to change your ways.

PRO SLOB TIP
1. When going to a wing restaurant, check to see if the sauce is in its own bag. If not, ask for another bag. If the blue cheese has already been tainted by the hotness of the wings, simply ask for another container of blue cheese. This should make them realize the error in their ways, but most places will continue this road to failure.

TWERKING IS THE CURE FOR CONSTIPATION

Twerking up until now was only used as a mating call. Perfected by Instagram models, this is the go-to technique to lure in professional athletes, and then eventually ruin their lives. To me, twerking has always had a negative vibe. It is the calling card for women who pump slime or fat or fillers into their rear. I want to pay homage to the original ladies with nice asses. You know who you are, my compliments.

There is a massive difference between a real ass and a fake ass. These Instagram models and I use the term ”models” loosely; all have those filled to the brim asses with whatever disgustingness the doctors pump in for that procedure. I am an expert at identifying fake asses. I mean, the obvious full diaper look is a blatant fake ass.

But let’s take it a step further. The real way to spot a fake ass is by looking at the legs. Regular ladies who have big/nice asses have legs that lead into the ass. These frauds have the taffy apple look. In this case, their big fake ass looks like a taffy apple, and their legs look like the stick. I don’t need to name names, but it’s very easy to see these skinny-legged celebrities that lead into an unkept bag of s#%t.

Up until now, twerking has had nothing but negative connotations. I am here today to set twerking free. Yes, twerking has a practical purpose. I found out the actual purpose of twerking when I was in the bathroom recently. I had just had a bunch of pizza the night before (including the second feasting at 3AM) and was feeling like a caked up lotion dispenser.

I was texting, checking social media, and even watched the Christian the lion video on YouTube (if you haven’t seen it, get ready to tear up). Nothing was happening. I started to get up, and I ran across a random moron twerking on Instagram. A light bulb went off in my head. I also thought of the classic Lin Shaye scene from the movie Kingpin when she said… ”you really jarred something loose, tiger!

So I stood up against the door and started jumping. I began to feel some relief before I knew it, I was twerking. After about fifteen seconds, I was back sitting down. The twerking worked like a charm. Before you judge someone on Instagram, who seems like a complete dunce twerking, remember, they might have had BBQ last night.

 

NO ONE WANT’S TO SEE THAT

Anyone who has fluctuated weight throughout their life has three piles of clothes. There is the “skinny” pile, which by all accounts would not fit a skinny person. It’s YOUR version of skinny. For instance, If your waist is usually a 40, a 38 waist would be your skinny jeans. The second pile of clothes is your regular clothes, using the same example, a pair of 40 waist jeans are what you might consider as being normal. Again, you’re still overweight, but this is the way the mind of an overweight person works. The third pile of clothes is your fat pile. In this case, it would be size 42 waist jeans. All three are fundamentally fat clothes, but if you feel skinny with a 38-inch waist, who am I to impede on your happiness.

The key to having three piles of clothes is to look as good as possible at whatever weight you may currently be. Don’t dress with the future in mind. Your XL shirt does not fit! It most likely will not fit in three weeks or even three months. Dress for today. The look you want to go for is what I would call “peak hotness.” How can you look your best at your current weight? Dress for your shape. You want to get as close to form-fitting clothing as you can without looking like you’re the garbage bag at a bachelors studio apartment. You don’t want your stomach fat overflowing. Another mistake is wearing clothing that is too big. If you’re wearing a tent, you’ll look like a tent.

Over the years I’ve noticed a particular type of shirt that almost never looks good unless your name is Dwayne ”The Rock” Johnson. I usually refer to this type of shirt as a ”breast shirt.” I blame the Under Armour brand for this type of shirt hitting the mainstream, but before the market flooded with these sausage casing shirts, the usual culprits were guys wearing those weird silk dress t-shirts.

This breast and gut-gripping fabric is the absolute worst look unless your physique is that of a UFC fighter in the welterweight division. In fact, if you wore the same size shirt in cotton, you would look much better. I have noticed over the years that overweight people who lose weight move too quickly into the breast and gut hugging fabric. If you’re 400 pounds and lose 100 pounds, you’re still too big to dress like Mark Wahlberg.

It is so hard to lose that weight. I know that you feel great and want to show off your hard work. All I’m saying is; show off that new body in a cotton shirt that fits. No one will tell you how ridiculous you look in that B & G (breast and gut) shirt. Unless you have great friends that will call you out, you need to self-assess yourself. And for the love of God, stop tucking in your t-shirts. Especially if you’re in a B & G shirt, do not tuck this in.

For some reason, the guys with the B & G shirts usually take their look to the third level of repulsiveness by wearing a cell phone clip on their belt. Do not draw attention to your faults. If I had jacked up teeth, I wouldn’t grow a goatee. It’s like taking a black sharpie marker and circling your imperfections. The tucked in skin-tight shirt, and the phone jammed into the scene of the crime averts my eyes right to your gut. You would be better off wearing a belly shirt and letting it all out there. Your go-to look should be form fitting solid colors, preferably black. The better you look, the better you feel. You can’t change your life today, but it’s a good day to start.