TWERKING IS THE CURE FOR CONSTIPATION

Twerking up until now was only used as a mating call. Perfected by Instagram models, this is the go-to technique to lure in professional athletes, and then eventually ruin their lives. To me, twerking has always had a negative vibe. It is the calling card for women who pump slime or fat or fillers into their rear. I want to pay homage to the original ladies with nice asses. You know who you are, my compliments.

There is a massive difference between a real ass and a fake ass. These Instagram models and I use the term ”models” loosely; all have those filled to the brim asses with whatever disgustingness the doctors pump in for that procedure. I am an expert at identifying fake asses. I mean, the obvious full diaper look is a blatant fake ass.

But let’s take it a step further. The real way to spot a fake ass is by looking at the legs. Regular ladies who have big/nice asses have legs that lead into the ass. These frauds have the taffy apple look. In this case, their big fake ass looks like a taffy apple, and their legs look like the stick. I don’t need to name names, but it’s very easy to see these skinny-legged celebrities that lead into an unkept bag of s#%t.

Up until now, twerking has had nothing but negative connotations. I am here today to set twerking free. Yes, twerking has a practical purpose. I found out the actual purpose of twerking when I was in the bathroom recently. I had just had a bunch of pizza the night before (including the second feasting at 3AM) and was feeling like a caked up lotion dispenser.

I was texting, checking social media, and even watched the Christian the lion video on YouTube (if you haven’t seen it, get ready to tear up). Nothing was happening. I started to get up, and I ran across a random moron twerking on Instagram. A light bulb went off in my head. I also thought of the classic Lin Shaye scene from the movie Kingpin when she said… ”you really jarred something loose, tiger!

So I stood up against the door and started jumping. I began to feel some relief before I knew it, I was twerking. After about fifteen seconds, I was back sitting down. The twerking worked like a charm. Before you judge someone on Instagram, who seems like a complete dunce twerking, remember, they might have had BBQ last night.

 

KEEP YOUR CLOTHES SMELLING CLEAN AFTER EATING SMELLY FOOD

I have always loved eating fast food. I still remember the Burger King by my house growing up had ninety-nine cent Whoppers. The Subway by my house had three subs for ten dollars. The Arby’s which was walking distance had five for five dollar Roast Beef sandwiches. That was when my fascination with this delicious form of food started.

Most kids aren’t judgemental. Well, I guess it was a gift that I was born with the capacity to judge people at a very early age. One thing that always led me to the point of almost vomiting was smelling people after they were done eating. Something happens to the body after eating smelly foods. Your pores get polluted, they are crying, WASH ME! WASH ME! But you, the unconscious stank box does not notice the stench coming off of your body.

Don’t get me started on people with body odor. In fact, when I smell food on people, it is usually mixed with a blend of B.O, and for the trifecta, a pinch of S**T. I call it the perfect storm of intolerable hygiene. This tip I am about to unleash on you is not for the person I just described. I am giving this piece of knowledge to the regular people out there. The guy who grabbed a quick Whopper. This tip is for the guy who had Mexican food for dinner and has plans to go out after. This piece of wisdom is for the innocents. If you are just dirty, please stop reading, there is no help for you.

So if you made it this far, your wait is over. My Life Hack is simple. If you plan to eat food that stinks. I’m talking Middle Eastern food, Polish sausage, anything with onions, or garlic, etc. If you plan to eat anything that will stick to you, take your shirt off before consuming. For you newcomers, that’s it. This tip will take you a long way. If you’re an expert like me, I would also like to offer some pro tips.

PRO SLOB TIPS
1. Keep the shirt far away from the food preferably in a different room. The clasp of smelly food can stretch out as far as twenty yards. Make sure to wash your hands thoroughly and brush your teeth for at least two minutes before putting the shirt back on.

2. Cleanse your palate. I highly recommend putting a handful of Craisins in your mouth, preferably cherry after eating anything smelly. Watermelon also works great. Any refreshing fruit usually fights off the stench like a fire hose spraying down a forest fire.

3. I will talk about this in extended form in an upcoming blog, but the number one remedy for a foul mouth is Listerine’s fantastic “Pocketmist Spray.” However, it is essential to get the evergreen colored bottle called “cool mint.’ The “freshburst” in the light green bottle has a horrible taste. I buy packs of the cool mint in the dozens when I see them available. Everyone should have one of these bottles in their pocket at all times. I’ve handed out more of these bottles over the years than old men used to hand out two dollar bills.

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