IF SAUCE IS SUPPOSED TO BE COLD, KEEP IT COLD!

September 18, 2018February 16, 2020

IF SAUCE IS SUPPOSED TO BE COLD, KEEP IT COLD!

I love wings, but without blue cheese, they aren’t worth the calories and eventual food coma. To me, the blue cheese is just as important as the wings. Piping hot wings and cold blue cheese make for the perfect combination. Any misstep in this perfect taste unification ruins what could be a meal that is the highlight of your eating week.

It’s always the little things that ruin a company or corporation. The small things are what make customers not return to the restaurant. Ask yourself this question. Would you put an ice cream bar in the same bag as scolding hot fries and burgers? Of course, the ice cream should be in a unique container. So why do wing restaurants throw the delicious blue cheese in the same steaming hot bag that contains the wings?

The worst offenders are the restaurants that take it a step further and put the blue cheese container directly on top of the wings. This lapse of judgment is a travesty. Your blue cheese doesn’t have a chance to stay cold. This blunder is like dropping an ice cube on an open flame. GAME OVER!

If you are a wing restaurant that puts the sauce in a separate bag with the napkins and utensils, my compliments. If you, on the other hand, are one of these disrespectful blue cheese murderers, wise up. Stop ruining your product before your customers have a chance to try it. This article is your wake up call. You’ve officially hit rock bottom and its time to change your ways.

PRO SLOB TIP
1. When going to a wing restaurant, check to see if the sauce is in its own bag. If not, ask for another bag. If the blue cheese has already been tainted by the hotness of the wings, simply ask for another container of blue cheese. This should make them realize the error in their ways, but most places will continue this road to failure.

July 25, 2018July 25, 2018

ALL YOU CAN EAT LOBSTER – THE BEST BUFFET IN LAS VEGAS

Trick me once, shame on you. Trick me twice, and I deserve what I got. The gold standard of any great buffet is lobster. I’ve been tricked and straight out lied to many times when calling buffets and asking if they had lobster. I’ve had friends tell me that certain buffets have all you can eat lobster, only to be disappointed to find a huge upcharge.

There are many buffets in Las Vegas, and I’ve tried them all. Before continuing, I have to tell you that the best buffet in Las Vegas is very expensive. This buffet is one of the highest priced on the strip. In this case, it is beyond worth the extra money. This buffet has a $99 price tag, but before that price scares you off, this buffet has everything you would expect at a five-star restaurant, only in buffet form.

This fantastic buffet includes lobster tails, Alaskan king crab legs, lamb, prime rib, sushi, fresh-shucked oysters, truffle mashed potatoes, banana bread pudding French toast, a custom omelet station, lobster bisque, eggs Benedict, never-ending glasses of Perrier-Jouët Champagne & mimosas. Oh yeah, did I mention ALL YOU CAN EAT LOBSTER TAILS?

When I first tried this buffet, I immediately put three large lobster tails on my plate with three cups of hot butter. It was a magical experience. I was eating these lobster tails like chicken fingers. I then walked back up and put three more lobster tails on my plate. It was glorious.

The Sterling Brunch at Bally’s is the once a week buffet that is the Slob Blog best buffet in Las Vegas. It’s only available on Sundays starting at 9:30 AM. $99 is a hefty price tag, but this will be one of the best food experiences you will have in your life. Congratulations to the Sterling Brunch at Bally’s on being the Slob Blog best buffet in Las Vegas.

PRO SLOB TIPS
1. Stay away from the salad bar and carbs if possible. The lobster, prime rib, and lamb are so good that you should treat this experience like a Brazilian steakhouse. Meat, meat, and more meat.

2. This buffet will probably require a trip to the bathroom. Since the closest bathroom is about thirty yards away in the casino, come ready. Bring wet wipes both for your cleaning and to thoroughly clean the toilet seat. These bathrooms are gross. Be prepared. Clean the seat thoroughly, take care of business, and then return to the buffet for round two.

3. Fast the night before. Come in with an appetite. Plan on this being your only meal of the day. I went to this buffet with a friend who had the same mindset. We were barely able to walk back to the hotel room after this feast.

4. Plan on taking a nap and most likely not leaving your room the day of this feeding. If you do this buffet right, you will be laid up for at least twenty-four hours. Plan accordingly.

5. If you’re an A-hole, who will keep talking about the price, don’t go. The Sterling Brunch buffet is an experience. If you’re a person, who thinks that the $100 price tag means that you should be treated like King Robert Baratheon from Game of Thrones, stay home. Have another spam sandwich and leave this experience to those that will appreciate it. You’re in Las Vegas. One hundred dollars goes in less than a minute. You will spend the best hundred dollars during your Las Vegas trip eating this astonishing meal.

July 10, 2018July 16, 2018

CHARGING FOR BBQ SAUCE COSTS RESTAURANTS A MINIMUM OF FIVE HUNDRED AND TWENTY DOLLARS PROFIT A YEAR PER CUSTOMER

When a fast food place charges you twenty-five cents for BBQ sauce, they cost themselves at least five hundred and twenty dollars a year, more on that later. Most fast food orders require at least ten dollars. Treating BBQ sauce like some premium upgrade is a way to infuriate people before they even taste your food.

Caring about that twenty-five cents is a perfect example of caring about the pennies and not the dollars. When I go to the grocery store, ketchup and BBQ sauce aren’t that different in price. Fast food restaurants treat ketchup like it’s tap water and BBQ sauce like it’s Cristal.

When I go to a fast food restaurant, I never get ketchup. I hate the stuff. It’s like spraying perfume on dog poop. If you need ketchup to make something taste good, it’s probably not good in the first place. The fast-food restaurant would instead throw fifty ketchup packets in my bag than give me one packet of BBQ sauce. There is no way this is a cost-effective way to run your business.

If I am paying ten dollars everytime I come to your restaurant, that could be ten dollars a week for the lifetime of your restaurant. I am worth five hundred and twenty dollars a year as a customer of your restaurant. In many cases, that customer is worth in the thousands.

Do not blame the employee who is probably making minimum wage. They are trained to treat BBQ sauce like it’s the Triforce in the Legend of Zelda. Blame the short-sighted manager or owner that put this practice in place. The owner that charges for BBQ sauce have the mindset of someone that will never be successful.

WORRY ABOUT THE DOLLARS, NOT THE PENNIES, is excellent advice for any business. Keeping a customer on board for year’s to come is much more important than that medial money extorted from the customer. You will never see a five-star Yelp review for a restaurant that treats BBQ sauce like it’s the final portion available on the Walking Dead.

July 7, 2018July 9, 2018

GET EXTRA ORANGE CHICKEN AT PANDA EXPRESS FOR FREE (VIDEO)

Panda Express, in my opinion, has the best orange chicken in the world. I live walking distance to the authentic stuff in China town, but I say F**K the authentic stuff. I want my orange chicken loaded up with sugar and other non-keto diet elements. I want my orange chicken to have more carbs than a night out eating Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta.

Every mall, even the sh***y ones have a Panda Express. The beauty of Panda Express is that their orange chicken tastes the same in Chicago as it does in Las Vegas as it does in New York. You do not want to make the mistake that I’ve made many times and “tried something new,” only to regret that I didn’t get orange chicken.

There is a technique to getting extra Orange Chicken on your plate. It has to be in steps. I demonstrate my method in this video…

July 6, 2018October 4, 2019

KEEP YOUR CLOTHES SMELLING CLEAN AFTER EATING SMELLY FOOD

I have always loved eating fast food. I still remember the Burger King by my house growing up had ninety-nine cent Whoppers. The Subway by my house had three subs for ten dollars. The Arby’s which was walking distance had five for five dollar Roast Beef sandwiches. That was when my fascination with this delicious form of food started.

Most kids aren’t judgemental. Well, I guess it was a gift that I was born with the capacity to judge people at a very early age. One thing that always led me to the point of almost vomiting was smelling people after they were done eating. Something happens to the body after eating smelly foods. Your pores get polluted, they are crying, WASH ME! WASH ME! But you, the unconscious stank box does not notice the stench coming off of your body.

Don’t get me started on people with body odor. In fact, when I smell food on people, it is usually mixed with a blend of B.O, and for the trifecta, a pinch of S**T. I call it the perfect storm of intolerable hygiene. This tip I am about to unleash on you is not for the person I just described. I am giving this piece of knowledge to the regular people out there. The guy who grabbed a quick Whopper. This tip is for the guy who had Mexican food for dinner and has plans to go out after. This piece of wisdom is for the innocents. If you are just dirty, please stop reading, there is no help for you.

So if you made it this far, your wait is over. My Life Hack is simple. If you plan to eat food that stinks. I’m talking Middle Eastern food, Polish sausage, anything with onions, or garlic, etc. If you plan to eat anything that will stick to you, take your shirt off before consuming. For you newcomers, that’s it. This tip will take you a long way. If you’re an expert like me, I would also like to offer some pro tips.

PRO SLOB TIPS
1. Keep the shirt far away from the food preferably in a different room. The clasp of smelly food can stretch out as far as twenty yards. Make sure to wash your hands thoroughly and brush your teeth for at least two minutes before putting the shirt back on.

2. Cleanse your palate. I highly recommend putting a handful of Craisins in your mouth, preferably cherry after eating anything smelly. Watermelon also works great. Any refreshing fruit usually fights off the stench like a fire hose spraying down a forest fire.

3. I will talk about this in extended form in an upcoming blog, but the number one remedy for a foul mouth is Listerine’s fantastic “Pocketmist Spray.” However, it is essential to get the evergreen colored bottle called “cool mint.’ The “freshburst” in the light green bottle has a horrible taste. I buy packs of the cool mint in the dozens when I see them available. Everyone should have one of these bottles in their pocket at all times. I’ve handed out more of these bottles over the years than old men used to hand out two dollar bills.