FAST FOOD PLACES THAT DON’T GO ALONG WITH THE PROGRAM NEED TO GO AWAY!

It’s happened too many times. I’ve seen a fast-food commercial over and over. The commercial promises a new value menu or a deal that excites me, and gets me to get in my car and drive straight to the restaurant to retrieve this overly promoted sandwich or item. As I pull up to the drive-through, I get the terrible news that ”this location doesn’t participate in that promotion!”

WHAT? What do they mean that they don’t participate? A public school not offering math classes would be equally as ridiculous. How dare they not go along with the promotion? Just based on me asking for this promoted item means that this specific restaurant received free publicity and now is rescinding on their part of the deal.

You can’t have it both ways. You can’t be under the umbrella of a well-known chain and then make your own rules. If you want to do your own thing, then DO YOUR OWN THING! Don’t pick and choose your own rules. Whether it’s a loyalty program or a discounted item, going along with the program is essential.

The worst violators of fast food chains that refuse to go along with company promotions are airport locations. As if being in an airport isn’t bad enough, these overly priced versions of our favorite chain restaurants act as if they are one-off local businesses. Again, HOW DARE YOU? I would love to get into a room with airport fast-food chain owners and explain to them that they aren’t a beautiful and unique snowflake. You are dirty urine or mud covered snow that needs to get in line with the rest of the company.

Don’t be a scumbag. You are acting like the third world country overlords who impose their will on the people just because they think they can. Guess what? You CAN’T. The PEOPLE will pick and choose what will be successful. My dream is to open up a customarily priced fast food location directly next to the make their own rules location. The make his own rules guy will be out of business in a month. Take note of which locations make their own rules, and stop going to those locations. Do not reward the overlords. Reward the good people.

KEEP YOUR CLOTHES SMELLING CLEAN AFTER EATING SMELLY FOOD

I have always loved eating fast food. I still remember the Burger King by my house growing up had ninety-nine cent Whoppers. The Subway by my house had three subs for ten dollars. The Arby’s which was walking distance had five for five dollar Roast Beef sandwiches. That was when my fascination with this delicious form of food started.

Most kids aren’t judgemental. Well, I guess it was a gift that I was born with the capacity to judge people at a very early age. One thing that always led me to the point of almost vomiting was smelling people after they were done eating. Something happens to the body after eating smelly foods. Your pores get polluted, they are crying, WASH ME! WASH ME! But you, the unconscious stank box does not notice the stench coming off of your body.

Don’t get me started on people with body odor. In fact, when I smell food on people, it is usually mixed with a blend of B.O, and for the trifecta, a pinch of S**T. I call it the perfect storm of intolerable hygiene. This tip I am about to unleash on you is not for the person I just described. I am giving this piece of knowledge to the regular people out there. The guy who grabbed a quick Whopper. This tip is for the guy who had Mexican food for dinner and has plans to go out after. This piece of wisdom is for the innocents. If you are just dirty, please stop reading, there is no help for you.

So if you made it this far, your wait is over. My Life Hack is simple. If you plan to eat food that stinks. I’m talking Middle Eastern food, Polish sausage, anything with onions, or garlic, etc. If you plan to eat anything that will stick to you, take your shirt off before consuming. For you newcomers, that’s it. This tip will take you a long way. If you’re an expert like me, I would also like to offer some pro tips.

PRO SLOB TIPS
1. Keep the shirt far away from the food preferably in a different room. The clasp of smelly food can stretch out as far as twenty yards. Make sure to wash your hands thoroughly and brush your teeth for at least two minutes before putting the shirt back on.

2. Cleanse your palate. I highly recommend putting a handful of Craisins in your mouth, preferably cherry after eating anything smelly. Watermelon also works great. Any refreshing fruit usually fights off the stench like a fire hose spraying down a forest fire.

3. I will talk about this in extended form in an upcoming blog, but the number one remedy for a foul mouth is Listerine’s fantastic “Pocketmist Spray.” However, it is essential to get the evergreen colored bottle called “cool mint.’ The “freshburst” in the light green bottle has a horrible taste. I buy packs of the cool mint in the dozens when I see them available. Everyone should have one of these bottles in their pocket at all times. I’ve handed out more of these bottles over the years than old men used to hand out two dollar bills.