If a dog pooped on your arm, would you wipe your arm off with dry paper? Unless you’re into Coprophilia (google it) then I’m sure you would take soap and water to your arm. In fact, this is most likely a showering situation.

If you wouldn’t trust your arm to be free of poop after wiping with dry paper, then why would you treat your caboose that way? Ass hygiene is an essential part of your daily grooming. I don’t understand how someone could use the bathroom and be happy leaving their rear at least fifty percent muddy.

I’m not talking to the guys who don’t wash their hands after pooping in public bathrooms. I would love to see these tainted hand jagoffs get arrested. I am not dramatic or joking; they need to go to jail. They are spreading their disgusting fecal matter all over the place. If I were in charge of making laws, I would make it mandatory to put your hand in your mouth for sixty seconds after leaving a public bathroom. My new law should take care of this revolting issue.

So what is the solution to mud butt? The answer is Cottonelle wipes. I’ve tried the rest, and these are by far the best. The consistency and feel are second to none. Don’t even attempt to use baby wipes. They are what they say on the package, FOR BABIES! Don’t treat yourself like an infant, although you have been doing that your whole life if you’re one of the dry paper types. Get the professional stuff. You will be shocked at the remnants left behind by dry paper. The best way to describe just using toilet paper compared to using wipes is like comparing your car getting rained on compared to getting your car detailed. Don’t get rained out. Take care of yourself, and the people around you. Contrary to what you might think, smelling like poop is never cool.

1. DRY-WET-DRY. That is the order of dry paper to Cottonelle wipe to dry paper. Repeat this process until the dry paler is clean enough to wipe your mouth with (I do not recommend wiping your mouth in this situation).

2. If you are out of wipes, I suggest setting up a three-step process to get that rump sparkling clean. You want to set up a station of wet paper towels, soapy/wet paper towels and dry paper towels. Before this step, take the toilet paper to its finish line. Do the best job possible cleaning those humps before moving on to the deep cleaning.



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  1. It’s a never ending battle down there. I wouldn’t mind the bidet idea-but when your left with wet ass-the toilet paper just tears and sticks to your ass, no?

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