It has happened more times than I can count. That precious empty middle seat on a Southwest flight is empty for what seems like an hour, and then the vilest looking or acting person sits down in that seat and ruins your flight.

For those of you that have not flown on a Southwest flight, it is a free for all. Twenty four hours before the flight, customers are allowed to check in, and this stupidity is how the boarding order is determined. Southwest breaks down their boarding into three groups, A, B, and C. Years ago, an early “A” seat was simple to get if you checked into your flight on time. Southwest has since decided to charge customers for that lucrative “early” boarding position.

Customers are allowed to get an A1-A15 seat by paying an upcharge of thirty to fifty dollars depending on the flight itinerary. There are no assigned seats, and people use every possible scam to get on the plane early. These dregs of society will limp or sit in a wheelchair to get the precious pre-boarding pass. By faking an ailment, these cretins board in advance and do not have to pay the getting on the plane early tariff that the rest of us are forced to pay.

Southwest has many benefits, but anytime you allow the deviants of the world to scam their way on the plane early, it will happen. These same sleazy people use the handicapped scam at Six Flags amusement parks; I will cover those morons in another blog post.

So now back to why you are here. How do you get your own row or a row for only you and your traveling companion? The old school tricks of spreading out as much as possible and putting bags in the middle seat no longer deter the “C” group passengers from taking that open middle seat. A new drastic approach needs to be made to keep that beautiful leg room for you and the only other honorable person on the flight.

Keep a full-sized paper towel in your pocket. Open the paper towel entirely so that customers can see the entire width of it while boarding the plane. The next step is to cough. If you think that you are hacking too much, it is not enough! Attempt to sneeze. Squint your eyes and try to look as sick as possible. Blow your nose over and over and over! Unless your flight is full, this technique is a home run. This fantastic technique has never failed me. With this incredible technique, Southwest will be the most enjoyable flight you have ever experienced.

1. Always try to sit in the emergency exit. These seats have enough leg room for Hakeem Olajuwon. If you can secure one of these prime seats, the coughing, sneezing, and blowing your nose technique is no longer needed.

2. If a mouth breather falls asleep in the seat next to you and is snoring so loud that it rattles the plane, unlock his seat tray and let it slam on his knee. This innovative technique will wake him up, and he will be too confused to realize that you were the culprit.

3. Start an early rapport with the flight attendants. Most people on flights are ignorant; if you show to be an upstanding individual, the flight attendants will treat you like gold.

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