IF YOU DON’T USE THESE, YOU’RE PROBABLY GROSS

July 9, 2018July 9, 2018

IF YOU DON’T USE THESE, YOU’RE PROBABLY GROSS

If a dog pooped on your arm, would you wipe your arm off with dry paper? Unless you’re into Coprophilia (google it) then I’m sure you would take soap and water to your arm. In fact, this is most likely a showering situation.

If you wouldn’t trust your arm to be free of poop after wiping with dry paper, then why would you treat your caboose that way? Ass hygiene is an essential part of your daily grooming. I don’t understand how someone could use the bathroom and be happy leaving their rear at least fifty percent muddy.

I’m not talking to the guys who don’t wash their hands after pooping in public bathrooms. I would love to see these tainted hand jagoffs get arrested. I am not dramatic or joking; they need to go to jail. They are spreading their disgusting fecal matter all over the place. If I were in charge of making laws, I would make it mandatory to put your hand in your mouth for sixty seconds after leaving a public bathroom. My new law should take care of this revolting issue.

So what is the solution to mud butt? The answer is Cottonelle wipes. I’ve tried the rest, and these are by far the best. The consistency and feel are second to none. Don’t even attempt to use baby wipes. They are what they say on the package, FOR BABIES! Don’t treat yourself like an infant, although you have been doing that your whole life if you’re one of the dry paper types. Get the professional stuff. You will be shocked at the remnants left behind by dry paper. The best way to describe just using toilet paper compared to using wipes is like comparing your car getting rained on compared to getting your car detailed. Don’t get rained out. Take care of yourself, and the people around you. Contrary to what you might think, smelling like poop is never cool.

PRO SLOB TIPS
1. DRY-WET-DRY. That is the order of dry paper to Cottonelle wipe to dry paper. Repeat this process until the dry paler is clean enough to wipe your mouth with (I do not recommend wiping your mouth in this situation).

2. If you are out of wipes, I suggest setting up a three-step process to get that rump sparkling clean. You want to set up a station of wet paper towels, soapy/wet paper towels and dry paper towels. Before this step, take the toilet paper to its finish line. Do the best job possible cleaning those humps before moving on to the deep cleaning.

July 7, 2018July 9, 2018

GET EXTRA ORANGE CHICKEN AT PANDA EXPRESS FOR FREE (VIDEO)

Panda Express, in my opinion, has the best orange chicken in the world. I live walking distance to the authentic stuff in China town, but I say F**K the authentic stuff. I want my orange chicken loaded up with sugar and other non-keto diet elements. I want my orange chicken to have more carbs than a night out eating Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta.

Every mall, even the sh***y ones have a Panda Express. The beauty of Panda Express is that their orange chicken tastes the same in Chicago as it does in Las Vegas as it does in New York. You do not want to make the mistake that I’ve made many times and “tried something new,” only to regret that I didn’t get orange chicken.

There is a technique to getting extra Orange Chicken on your plate. It has to be in steps. I demonstrate my method in this video…

July 6, 2018July 9, 2018

THE BEST SUB SANDWICH IN CHICAGO (CHAIN)

I have always unequivocally loved sub sandwiches better than any other food. I’ve had perfectly cooked ribeye steaks, lobster tails, and everything else that the best food city in the world, Chicago has to offer. Despite having every possible option at my fingertips, I always return to the sub sandwich.

I’ve tried them all. The mom and pops, the here for fifteen minutes, and every possible chain. I want to concentrate on chain sub restaurants. I’ll post my favorite mom and pop sub in a future blog. For a while, my chain sub of choice was Jimmy Johns who just recently added giant subs to their menu, my compliments.

The Gargantuan at Jimmy Johns was a sandwich that I didn’t think would ever lose its reign as king of chain subs, that was until it met another that was superior, the Jersey Mike’s giant club supreme. Not since the Mountain on Game of Thrones crushed the head of Prince Oberyn had I been in such shock seeing an exquisite champion taste, it’s first defeat.

The giant club supreme is by all accounts the perfect sandwich. Boars head Turkey, Roast Beef, and Swiss (I call an audible and switch the swiss for provolone). The sandwich is then generously covered with onions, lettuce, tomatoes, olive oil blend, red wine vinegar, and spices. I add mayo and banana peppers to this monstrosity. When you think it’s over, YOU’RE WRONG! They still need to add the bacon.

Slob Blog is proud to name the Jersey Mike’s giant club supreme, the best sub in Chicago (chain).

PRO SLOB TIPS

1. To take this sandwich to the next level, adding extra mayo is essential. Not only does it hold this colossal sandwich together, but it is some of the most delicious mayo on the market.

2. When the person making the sandwich is about to put the bacon on, it’s important to make small talk. The hope is that he/she will be distracted and will put on more than the allotted four pieces of bacon on your sandwich. My charm has earned me as many as eight slices of bacon in the past. It’s a war out there. Use anything you can to your advantage. If they are wearing a Harry Potter shirt, for the next thirty seconds, you better be talking about Lord Voldemort.

3. Do not go anywhere that isn’t close to a bathroom after eating the giant club supreme. This thing is like pouring concrete into your stomach. Ordinary people would have trouble eating half of this freak of a sandwich. If you eat the whole thing, be ready to spend that night and the next morning putting your squatty potty to use.

July 6, 2018October 4, 2019

KEEP YOUR CLOTHES SMELLING CLEAN AFTER EATING SMELLY FOOD

I have always loved eating fast food. I still remember the Burger King by my house growing up had ninety-nine cent Whoppers. The Subway by my house had three subs for ten dollars. The Arby’s which was walking distance had five for five dollar Roast Beef sandwiches. That was when my fascination with this delicious form of food started.

Most kids aren’t judgemental. Well, I guess it was a gift that I was born with the capacity to judge people at a very early age. One thing that always led me to the point of almost vomiting was smelling people after they were done eating. Something happens to the body after eating smelly foods. Your pores get polluted, they are crying, WASH ME! WASH ME! But you, the unconscious stank box does not notice the stench coming off of your body.

Don’t get me started on people with body odor. In fact, when I smell food on people, it is usually mixed with a blend of B.O, and for the trifecta, a pinch of S**T. I call it the perfect storm of intolerable hygiene. This tip I am about to unleash on you is not for the person I just described. I am giving this piece of knowledge to the regular people out there. The guy who grabbed a quick Whopper. This tip is for the guy who had Mexican food for dinner and has plans to go out after. This piece of wisdom is for the innocents. If you are just dirty, please stop reading, there is no help for you.

So if you made it this far, your wait is over. My Life Hack is simple. If you plan to eat food that stinks. I’m talking Middle Eastern food, Polish sausage, anything with onions, or garlic, etc. If you plan to eat anything that will stick to you, take your shirt off before consuming. For you newcomers, that’s it. This tip will take you a long way. If you’re an expert like me, I would also like to offer some pro tips.

PRO SLOB TIPS
1. Keep the shirt far away from the food preferably in a different room. The clasp of smelly food can stretch out as far as twenty yards. Make sure to wash your hands thoroughly and brush your teeth for at least two minutes before putting the shirt back on.

2. Cleanse your palate. I highly recommend putting a handful of Craisins in your mouth, preferably cherry after eating anything smelly. Watermelon also works great. Any refreshing fruit usually fights off the stench like a fire hose spraying down a forest fire.

3. I will talk about this in extended form in an upcoming blog, but the number one remedy for a foul mouth is Listerine’s fantastic “Pocketmist Spray.” However, it is essential to get the evergreen colored bottle called “cool mint.’ The “freshburst” in the light green bottle has a horrible taste. I buy packs of the cool mint in the dozens when I see them available. Everyone should have one of these bottles in their pocket at all times. I’ve handed out more of these bottles over the years than old men used to hand out two dollar bills.