IF SAUCE IS SUPPOSED TO BE COLD, KEEP IT COLD!
I love wings, but without blue cheese, they aren’t worth the calories and eventual food coma. To me, the blue cheese is just as important as the wings. Piping hot wings and cold blue cheese make for the perfect combination. Any misstep in this perfect taste unification ruins what could be a meal that is the highlight of your eating week.
It’s always the little things that ruin a company or corporation. The small things are what make customers not return to the restaurant. Ask yourself this question. Would you put an ice cream bar in the same bag as scolding hot fries and burgers? Of course, the ice cream should be in a unique container. So why do wing restaurants throw the delicious blue cheese in the same steaming hot bag that contains the wings?
The worst offenders are the restaurants that take it a step further and put the blue cheese container directly on top of the wings. This lapse of judgment is a travesty. Your blue cheese doesn’t have a chance to stay cold. This blunder is like dropping an ice cube on an open flame. GAME OVER!
If you are a wing restaurant that puts the sauce in a separate bag with the napkins and utensils, my compliments. If you, on the other hand, are one of these disrespectful blue cheese murderers, wise up. Stop ruining your product before your customers have a chance to try it. This article is your wake up call. You’ve officially hit rock bottom and its time to change your ways.
PRO SLOB TIP
1. When going to a wing restaurant, check to see if the sauce is in its own bag. If not, ask for another bag. If the blue cheese has already been tainted by the hotness of the wings, simply ask for another container of blue cheese. This should make them realize the error in their ways, but most places will continue this road to failure.
HOW TO GET YOUR OWN ROW ON A SOUTHWEST FLIGHT
It has happened more times than I can count. That precious empty middle seat on a Southwest flight is empty for what seems like an hour, and then the vilest looking or acting person sits down in that seat and ruins your flight.
For those of you that have not flown on a Southwest flight, it is a free for all. Twenty four hours before the flight, customers are allowed to check in, and this stupidity is how the boarding order is determined. Southwest breaks down their boarding into three groups, A, B, and C. Years ago, an early “A” seat was simple to get if you checked into your flight on time. Southwest has since decided to charge customers for that lucrative “early” boarding position.
Customers are allowed to get an A1-A15 seat by paying an upcharge of thirty to fifty dollars depending on the flight itinerary. There are no assigned seats, and people use every possible scam to get on the plane early. These dregs of society will limp or sit in a wheelchair to get the precious pre-boarding pass. By faking an ailment, these cretins board in advance and do not have to pay the getting on the plane early tariff that the rest of us are forced to pay.
Southwest has many benefits, but anytime you allow the deviants of the world to scam their way on the plane early, it will happen. These same sleazy people use the handicapped scam at Six Flags amusement parks; I will cover those morons in another blog post.
So now back to why you are here. How do you get your own row or a row for only you and your traveling companion? The old school tricks of spreading out as much as possible and putting bags in the middle seat no longer deter the “C” group passengers from taking that open middle seat. A new drastic approach needs to be made to keep that beautiful leg room for you and the only other honorable person on the flight.
Keep a full-sized paper towel in your pocket. Open the paper towel entirely so that customers can see the entire width of it while boarding the plane. The next step is to cough. If you think that you are hacking too much, it is not enough! Attempt to sneeze. Squint your eyes and try to look as sick as possible. Blow your nose over and over and over! Unless your flight is full, this technique is a home run. This fantastic technique has never failed me. With this incredible technique, Southwest will be the most enjoyable flight you have ever experienced.
PRO SLOB TIPS
1. Always try to sit in the emergency exit. These seats have enough leg room for Hakeem Olajuwon. If you can secure one of these prime seats, the coughing, sneezing, and blowing your nose technique is no longer needed.
2. If a mouth breather falls asleep in the seat next to you and is snoring so loud that it rattles the plane, unlock his seat tray and let it slam on his knee. This innovative technique will wake him up, and he will be too confused to realize that you were the culprit.
3. Start an early rapport with the flight attendants. Most people on flights are ignorant; if you show to be an upstanding individual, the flight attendants will treat you like gold.
FAST FOOD PLACES THAT DON’T GO ALONG WITH THE PROGRAM NEED TO GO AWAY!
It’s happened too many times. I’ve seen a fast-food commercial over and over. The commercial promises a new value menu or a deal that excites me, and gets me to get in my car and drive straight to the restaurant to retrieve this overly promoted sandwich or item. As I pull up to the drive-through, I get the terrible news that ”this location doesn’t participate in that promotion!”
WHAT? What do they mean that they don’t participate? A public school not offering math classes would be equally as ridiculous. How dare they not go along with the promotion? Just based on me asking for this promoted item means that this specific restaurant received free publicity and now is rescinding on their part of the deal.
You can’t have it both ways. You can’t be under the umbrella of a well-known chain and then make your own rules. If you want to do your own thing, then DO YOUR OWN THING! Don’t pick and choose your own rules. Whether it’s a loyalty program or a discounted item, going along with the program is essential.
The worst violators of fast food chains that refuse to go along with company promotions are airport locations. As if being in an airport isn’t bad enough, these overly priced versions of our favorite chain restaurants act as if they are one-off local businesses. Again, HOW DARE YOU? I would love to get into a room with airport fast-food chain owners and explain to them that they aren’t a beautiful and unique snowflake. You are dirty urine or mud covered snow that needs to get in line with the rest of the company.
Don’t be a scumbag. You are acting like the third world country overlords who impose their will on the people just because they think they can. Guess what? You CAN’T. The PEOPLE will pick and choose what will be successful. My dream is to open up a customarily priced fast food location directly next to the make their own rules location. The make his own rules guy will be out of business in a month. Take note of which locations make their own rules, and stop going to those locations. Do not reward the overlords. Reward the good people.
APPETIZERS, DON’T DO IT!
They look delicious. In some cases, they taste delicious. But they are the Instagram models of the food industry. They will make you happy, THEN TAKE YOU DOWN! You’re there for the main event, not a lousy quesadilla. We have been conditioned in this country to think that the mega dinner that includes sides is not enough. We need a pre-feasting that could be anywhere from five hundred to a thousand calories. Don’t even get me started on the bread and butter.
Eating a ton of carbs before eating another pile of carbs spikes your insulin harder than Antonio Brown spiking a football after a fifty-yard touchdown. My stomach already hurts at many meals before my steak comes out. Why waste this great night out, by filling your body with low-grade chicken fingers, when your forty-five dollar steak is still on the grill?
Everything great in life is worth waiting. Discipline is key. Just say no to the appetizers. You’ll enjoy your meal, and not have to spend the entire night sitting upright on your bed waiting for the pain to pass. I had ruined my meal many times before it was in front of me, and all I had to show for it was a full stomach of underwhelming chicken wings.
PRO SLOB TIPS
1. If you must get appetizers, ONE is more than sufficient. Even in a group, getting one bite should hold you over until the meal comes out.
2. If given the option, turn away the bread. Unless you plan on eating a low carb meal, the bread and other carbs are the biggest culprits when it comes to a full stomach.
3. Chew slow. The longer it takes you, the faster you will realize that your stomach is filling up.
4. Drink a lot of water if you’re considering ordering appetizers. Pound that first glass of water when you sit down at the table. It will trick your stomach into feeling content while waiting for your entree.
ALL YOU CAN EAT LOBSTER – THE BEST BUFFET IN LAS VEGAS
Trick me once, shame on you. Trick me twice, and I deserve what I got. The gold standard of any great buffet is lobster. I’ve been tricked and straight out lied to many times when calling buffets and asking if they had lobster. I’ve had friends tell me that certain buffets have all you can eat lobster, only to be disappointed to find a huge upcharge.
There are many buffets in Las Vegas, and I’ve tried them all. Before continuing, I have to tell you that the best buffet in Las Vegas is very expensive. This buffet is one of the highest priced on the strip. In this case, it is beyond worth the extra money. This buffet has a $99 price tag, but before that price scares you off, this buffet has everything you would expect at a five-star restaurant, only in buffet form.
This fantastic buffet includes lobster tails, Alaskan king crab legs, lamb, prime rib, sushi, fresh-shucked oysters, truffle mashed potatoes, banana bread pudding French toast, a custom omelet station, lobster bisque, eggs Benedict, never-ending glasses of Perrier-Jouët Champagne & mimosas. Oh yeah, did I mention ALL YOU CAN EAT LOBSTER TAILS?
When I first tried this buffet, I immediately put three large lobster tails on my plate with three cups of hot butter. It was a magical experience. I was eating these lobster tails like chicken fingers. I then walked back up and put three more lobster tails on my plate. It was glorious.
The Sterling Brunch at Bally’s is the once a week buffet that is the Slob Blog best buffet in Las Vegas. It’s only available on Sundays starting at 9:30 AM. $99 is a hefty price tag, but this will be one of the best food experiences you will have in your life. Congratulations to the Sterling Brunch at Bally’s on being the Slob Blog best buffet in Las Vegas.
PRO SLOB TIPS
1. Stay away from the salad bar and carbs if possible. The lobster, prime rib, and lamb are so good that you should treat this experience like a Brazilian steakhouse. Meat, meat, and more meat.
2. This buffet will probably require a trip to the bathroom. Since the closest bathroom is about thirty yards away in the casino, come ready. Bring wet wipes both for your cleaning and to thoroughly clean the toilet seat. These bathrooms are gross. Be prepared. Clean the seat thoroughly, take care of business, and then return to the buffet for round two.
3. Fast the night before. Come in with an appetite. Plan on this being your only meal of the day. I went to this buffet with a friend who had the same mindset. We were barely able to walk back to the hotel room after this feast.
4. Plan on taking a nap and most likely not leaving your room the day of this feeding. If you do this buffet right, you will be laid up for at least twenty-four hours. Plan accordingly.
5. If you’re an A-hole, who will keep talking about the price, don’t go. The Sterling Brunch buffet is an experience. If you’re a person, who thinks that the $100 price tag means that you should be treated like King Robert Baratheon from Game of Thrones, stay home. Have another spam sandwich and leave this experience to those that will appreciate it. You’re in Las Vegas. One hundred dollars goes in less than a minute. You will spend the best hundred dollars during your Las Vegas trip eating this astonishing meal.
BEST CHICKEN SANDWICH IN CHICAGO
I’m sure you have tried many chicken sandwiches throughout your lifetime. No matter what the menu option is, I always defer to the burger. The chicken sandwich up until now could not hold up.
Anytime I order a chicken sandwich; instantly I’m filled with regret. ”Why didn’t I just order the burger?” It ruins my day, and you better believe the next day, I’m ordering a burger. Burger King currently has an option of getting two sandwiches for six dollars. There are two chicken sandwich options, and the other is a Whopper. I would put any money on the Whopper outselling both chicken sandwiches combined.
The chicken sandwich has always been the ugly sister/brother. You’re of course(?) very happy in your relationship, but still, have that feeling of regret and what-if when that superior sibling is around.
Up until now, the preceding have always been my thoughts on the chicken sandwich. Let me tell you; I was wrong all of this time. And this is not an ugly duckling situation. This realization is a case of me not knowing what was there the whole time.
Thank you Fry the Coop! Thank you for opening my eyes. Your chicken sandwich is one of the most fabulous food items I’ve eaten period. The picture of your delicious chicken and cheese Nashville hot sandwich is the header on my website. Fry the Coop is a place that I heard about, but because of my bias, it took me a while to give it a chance. I loved it so much that I returned the next day. Fry the Coop is doing for chicken sandwiches the same thing that Aucheval has done for burgers.
I’ve had Nashville hot chicken many times in the past, but Fry the Coop is at a new level. Chicken Sandwiches up until now were like the Chicago Bulls before Michael Jordan fell into their lap. The team was never much to talk about, and then instantly MJ took the game and franchise to a new, previously unattainable level.
I am born and raised in Chicago, and I am telling you that Fry the Coop is the Michael Jordan of chicken sandwiches. I won’t bore you with the details, but they use the best of the best ingredients. The original location is in Oak Lawn, and they just announced a new location is coming to Elmhurst (I know. Why Elmhurst? But good for you Elmhurst). I can say without a doubt that Fry the Coop has the best chicken sandwich in Chicago, my compliments.
PRO SLOB TIPS
1. Get an extra cup of sauce to both pour on the sandwich and as a dipping sauce for your fries.
2. Their hottest sauce is very hot. Start out slow and work your way up.
3. They also have chicken and waffles. You can not go wrong with chicken and waffles.
TWERKING IS THE CURE FOR CONSTIPATION
Twerking up until now was only used as a mating call. Perfected by Instagram models, this is the go-to technique to lure in professional athletes, and then eventually ruin their lives. To me, twerking has always had a negative vibe. It is the calling card for women who pump slime or fat or fillers into their rear. I want to pay homage to the original ladies with nice asses. You know who you are, my compliments.
There is a massive difference between a real ass and a fake ass. These Instagram models and I use the term ”models” loosely; all have those filled to the brim asses with whatever disgustingness the doctors pump in for that procedure. I am an expert at identifying fake asses. I mean, the obvious full diaper look is a blatant fake ass.
But let’s take it a step further. The real way to spot a fake ass is by looking at the legs. Regular ladies who have big/nice asses have legs that lead into the ass. These frauds have the taffy apple look. In this case, their big fake ass looks like a taffy apple, and their legs look like the stick. I don’t need to name names, but it’s very easy to see these skinny-legged celebrities that lead into an unkept bag of s#%t.
Up until now, twerking has had nothing but negative connotations. I am here today to set twerking free. Yes, twerking has a practical purpose. I found out the actual purpose of twerking when I was in the bathroom recently. I had just had a bunch of pizza the night before (including the second feasting at 3AM) and was feeling like a caked up lotion dispenser.
I was texting, checking social media, and even watched the Christian the lion video on YouTube (if you haven’t seen it, get ready to tear up). Nothing was happening. I started to get up, and I ran across a random moron twerking on Instagram. A light bulb went off in my head. I also thought of the classic Lin Shaye scene from the movie Kingpin when she said… ”you really jarred something loose, tiger!”
So I stood up against the door and started jumping. I began to feel some relief before I knew it, I was twerking. After about fifteen seconds, I was back sitting down. The twerking worked like a charm. Before you judge someone on Instagram, who seems like a complete dunce twerking, remember, they might have had BBQ last night.
CHARGING FOR BBQ SAUCE COSTS RESTAURANTS A MINIMUM OF FIVE HUNDRED AND TWENTY DOLLARS PROFIT A YEAR PER CUSTOMER
When a fast food place charges you twenty-five cents for BBQ sauce, they cost themselves at least five hundred and twenty dollars a year, more on that later. Most fast food orders require at least ten dollars. Treating BBQ sauce like some premium upgrade is a way to infuriate people before they even taste your food.
Caring about that twenty-five cents is a perfect example of caring about the pennies and not the dollars. When I go to the grocery store, ketchup and BBQ sauce aren’t that different in price. Fast food restaurants treat ketchup like it’s tap water and BBQ sauce like it’s Cristal.
When I go to a fast food restaurant, I never get ketchup. I hate the stuff. It’s like spraying perfume on dog poop. If you need ketchup to make something taste good, it’s probably not good in the first place. The fast-food restaurant would instead throw fifty ketchup packets in my bag than give me one packet of BBQ sauce. There is no way this is a cost-effective way to run your business.
If I am paying ten dollars everytime I come to your restaurant, that could be ten dollars a week for the lifetime of your restaurant. I am worth five hundred and twenty dollars a year as a customer of your restaurant. In many cases, that customer is worth in the thousands.
Do not blame the employee who is probably making minimum wage. They are trained to treat BBQ sauce like it’s the Triforce in the Legend of Zelda. Blame the short-sighted manager or owner that put this practice in place. The owner that charges for BBQ sauce have the mindset of someone that will never be successful.
WORRY ABOUT THE DOLLARS, NOT THE PENNIES, is excellent advice for any business. Keeping a customer on board for year’s to come is much more important than that medial money extorted from the customer. You will never see a five-star Yelp review for a restaurant that treats BBQ sauce like it’s the final portion available on the Walking Dead.
NO ONE WANT’S TO SEE THAT
Anyone who has fluctuated weight throughout their life has three piles of clothes. There is the “skinny” pile, which by all accounts would not fit a skinny person. It’s YOUR version of skinny. For instance, If your waist is usually a 40, a 38 waist would be your skinny jeans. The second pile of clothes is your regular clothes, using the same example, a pair of 40 waist jeans are what you might consider as being normal. Again, you’re still overweight, but this is the way the mind of an overweight person works. The third pile of clothes is your fat pile. In this case, it would be size 42 waist jeans. All three are fundamentally fat clothes, but if you feel skinny with a 38-inch waist, who am I to impede on your happiness.
The key to having three piles of clothes is to look as good as possible at whatever weight you may currently be. Don’t dress with the future in mind. Your XL shirt does not fit! It most likely will not fit in three weeks or even three months. Dress for today. The look you want to go for is what I would call “peak hotness.” How can you look your best at your current weight? Dress for your shape. You want to get as close to form-fitting clothing as you can without looking like you’re the garbage bag at a bachelors studio apartment. You don’t want your stomach fat overflowing. Another mistake is wearing clothing that is too big. If you’re wearing a tent, you’ll look like a tent.
Over the years I’ve noticed a particular type of shirt that almost never looks good unless your name is Dwayne ”The Rock” Johnson. I usually refer to this type of shirt as a ”breast shirt.” I blame the Under Armour brand for this type of shirt hitting the mainstream, but before the market flooded with these sausage casing shirts, the usual culprits were guys wearing those weird silk dress t-shirts.
This breast and gut-gripping fabric is the absolute worst look unless your physique is that of a UFC fighter in the welterweight division. In fact, if you wore the same size shirt in cotton, you would look much better. I have noticed over the years that overweight people who lose weight move too quickly into the breast and gut hugging fabric. If you’re 400 pounds and lose 100 pounds, you’re still too big to dress like Mark Wahlberg.
It is so hard to lose that weight. I know that you feel great and want to show off your hard work. All I’m saying is; show off that new body in a cotton shirt that fits. No one will tell you how ridiculous you look in that B & G (breast and gut) shirt. Unless you have great friends that will call you out, you need to self-assess yourself. And for the love of God, stop tucking in your t-shirts. Especially if you’re in a B & G shirt, do not tuck this in.
For some reason, the guys with the B & G shirts usually take their look to the third level of repulsiveness by wearing a cell phone clip on their belt. Do not draw attention to your faults. If I had jacked up teeth, I wouldn’t grow a goatee. It’s like taking a black sharpie marker and circling your imperfections. The tucked in skin-tight shirt, and the phone jammed into the scene of the crime averts my eyes right to your gut. You would be better off wearing a belly shirt and letting it all out there. Your go-to look should be form fitting solid colors, preferably black. The better you look, the better you feel. You can’t change your life today, but it’s a good day to start.
